When Integration Becomes Assimilation: A Conversation That Stuck With Me

Some time ago, at a conference for entrepreneurs, I found myself in a passionate discussion with an Italian businesswoman I had just met. We were a diverse group, coming from vastly different fields, but as often happens, conversations drifted into personal territory: where we live, what we do, and why we do it.

When I explained that I work as a consultant and trainer in multilingualism and support families in maintaining their family languages, she leaned in with genuine interest. But when I explained why I advocate for parents to keep speaking their home language rather than switching to Italian when raising their children in Italy, her expression shifted.

She disagreed.

She told me about the growing Chinese community in her region and expressed her frustration that many Chinese children, in her view, speak only Chinese, both at home and at school. “They don’t want to integrate,” she said. “They stay among themselves. It’s just like the Turkish community in Germany. These cultures are closed.”

As she spoke, I felt a sense of frustration rising in me, not because she was wrong to express her opinion, but because her perception is one I encounter all too often. And it’s one that needs to be gently but firmly challenged.

Understanding Perceptions: Why It Feels Like Some Communities "Don’t Integrate"

Her perception is not uncommon. Many people observe migrant communities sticking together, speaking their own language in public or within schools, and interpret this as a refusal to engage with the host society. But that view oversimplifies a much more complex and human story.

Yes, migrant communities often cluster together. They form tight-knit circles, speak their own languages, and uphold cultural practices that are different from the mainstream. But I don’t believe this happens because they reject integration. It’s because they are seeking safety, familiarity, and a sense of identity in an environment that often feels alien or even unwelcoming.

When a migrant family arrives in a new country, everything changes: the language, the social rules, the systems of school and work. Speaking their home language and connecting with others from their community is not an act of rejection; it’s an act of survival and emotional resilience.

Language and Integration: What the Research Says

As someone who has spent years researching and working in multilingual contexts, I can confidently say: maintaining one’s family language does not hinder integration. In fact, it supports it.

Children who grow up feeling secure in their home language are more confident, more resilient, and ultimately more successful in learning the language of the society they live in. When their first language is respected and valued, they feel that their identity is welcome. And when they feel welcome, they participate more fully in school and social life.

The idea that families must switch to Italian (or English, or German or any other language) at home in order for their children to succeed is not just misguided, it’s harmful. It leads to linguistic insecurity, intergenerational communication breakdowns, and emotional distance within families. It sends the message: "Your language doesn’t belong here."

Integration Is a Two-Way Street

Let’s flip the question: instead of asking why Chinese children speak Chinese at school, let’s ask what the school is doing to make them feel included. Do teachers know how to welcome and incorporate linguistic diversity? Are there policies in place to support children’s language development in both their home and school languages? Are families encouraged to maintain their cultural identity while also becoming part of the larger community?

Integration does not mean everyone must become the same. It means everyone is allowed to belong.

Unfortunately, in many parts of Europe, and indeed, around the world, what is expected of migrants is not integration, but assimilation. That is, to fit in by erasing part of themselves. To stop speaking their language. To downplay their culture. To change their names. To prove they are "good enough" to belong.

This is not integration. It is loss.

The "Closed Culture" Myth

When my new acquaintance claimed that Chinese and Turkish cultures are simply closed, I took a deep breath. I know how deeply these ideas can run, and how damaging they can be.

No culture is inherently closed. But any group can appear closed when they do not feel safe, respected, or welcome.

If the host society communicates that their language is a problem, that their customs are odd, or that their way of being is unwelcome, of course people will retreat inward. It’s not cultural stubbornness. It’s a protective response.

I asked her to imagine what she would do if she and her children moved to China. Wouldn’t she want to speak Italian at home, to make sure her children didn’t lose their connection to family? Wouldn’t she seek out other Italians, or at least expats, who could understand her experiences? Would she want her children to stop speaking Italian in school, even during breaks?

Suddenly, the situation looked a little different.

What We Can Do Instead

As educators, policymakers, and community members, we have a choice. We can perpetuate the idea that integration requires sameness, or we can build systems that truly include.

• We can support teachers in understanding multilingual development.

• We can celebrate linguistic diversity in schools and communities.

• We can offer real opportunities for parents to participate in school life in meaningful ways.

• We can stop asking families to give up their language as the price of admission.

Above all, we can change the conversation. We can move from fear to curiosity, from judgment to understanding.

This Is the Work That Moves Me

That short exchange during the conference reminded me of why I do what I do. It reminded me that there is still so much work to be done in shifting the way we think about language, identity, and belonging.

I believe every child has the right to feel proud of who they are. And that includes the language they speak.

If this resonates with you, if you’re a parent, educator, or simply someone who believes that integration should not come at the cost of identity, I invite you to learn more.

My book, Watch Your Language, Mom! A Guide to Multilingualism, is now available in English. It includes real-life stories, research-based insights, and practical advice for families navigating multilingual life.

Let’s build a future where languages are not seen as problems to solve, but as bridges to be celebrated.

Read the book now, be part of the change, and send me your thoughts. I’d love to hear your feedback!